Crash Test Vegetarian

Vegan to Omnivore outreach program

Vegan Ranch Epic fail! S.O.S!

on August 3, 2011

Disastrous.  Catastrophic.  Deplorable.  Lamentable.

All of these words can be used to describe the noxious and unfortunate excuse for the tragic attempt at a vegan ranch dressing.

Ok, perhaps it’s not THAT dramatic.  But it was bad.  Here, look at a pretty picture and be as deceived as I was.   Please someone rescue it!

What did my mouth do to deserve this?

Le me start by telling you that this is silken tofu blended with plain soy milk, some herbs, spices, lemon and red wine vinegar and a pinch or so of sugar.  No added fats.  Sounded perfect.

No.

So without further ado, why this dressing went down the drain.

1. Even with the garlic, onion, chives, lemon, parsley and myriad of other perfectly lovely herbs and spices, ALL I COULD TASTE WAS TOFU. Screw you, tofu.
2. So then, some moron (read: me) decided that perhaps tofu could be disguised by additional spices.  So I added more garlic. Enough so that one taste of it was enough to give me indigestion (to be fair, I have what could effectively be referred to as a wussy stomach – the kind that your sweet little old grand mother would laugh in the face of – from her wheelchair).
3.  THEN, I decided that maybe if it just sat a while in my fridge it would be better.  So I took it out and took a few pics of it and tasted it.  If my purpose was to make tofu flavored garlic dill dressing, I SUCCEEDED.
4. So last but not least, I figured at least I would try it on some salad to give it one last chance.  Perhaps I was just being too judgmental.   So I tossed it into some salad (at this point my husband will be snickering like a 15 year old boy, yes I TOSSED THE SALAD), and took a bite.

Let me be clear on this, I have no clue how, on the face of this planet I managed this, but somehow I made the salad SQUEAKY.   I made it squeak on my freaking teeth.  Like I’d made a bowl of chalkboards and was now gnawing on them with my nail teeth.

Down the drain.

Does anyone have a vegan ranch recipe that is low fat and not made by the little angry  taste bud demons?

Also, rawr.

The suspect is considered armed and dangerous.

 

Completely unrelated, I have determined that panda bears are so cute, that they could literally nom a person to death while the individual was still cooing and petting it.  I’d even offer the panda a little bit of salt if it would make me taste better.  They are sneaky sneaky ninjas.

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15 responses to “Vegan Ranch Epic fail! S.O.S!

  1. Sam says:

    hehehe i did snicker at the tossed salad.

  2. Even though it probably won’t be as ‘low fat’, I would use ‘better than sour cream’ instead of tofu. I will work out a recipe for you and have it ASAP my blog 🙂

    • Izzy says:

      I have some in my fridge, so I’m not sure why exactly I felt the need to torture myself. I will be watching!

    • Here is what I came up with
      1/2 cup mayonnaise
      1/2 cup sour cream
      1/2 cup buttermilk
      1 tablespoon garlic powder
      1 teaspoon dried oregano
      1 teaspoon dried dill weed
      1 tablespoon dried chives
      1 tablespoon dried parsley
      2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
      1 dash hot pepper sauce
      1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
      1 teaspoon ground white pepper

      hope you enjoy it!

  3. E says:

    hahaha I am so happy that you document your Epic Fails — it makes me feel better when I do things like accidentally create baking-soda-flavored pancakes…

    • Izzy says:

      Sadly, there will be more to come. But it always makes me feel better when I read other people’s fails too. I have so many awesome cooks that I keep up with, and I always imagine everything goes perfectly in their kitchen and that they didn’t lose the can opener… but I know everybody is human, I just get very angry when I totally fail a recipe.

      Also, you’re looking at it all wrong. MAYBE you created pancake flavored baking soda! Could be a new line of toothpaste.

  4. I sympathize with your fail. But I did laugh out loud several times. The Vegetarian who Hates Tofu Blog posted this the other day. I haven’t made it but I’ve been looking for a Vegan Ranch recipe, so thought I’d give it a whirl. And yours was nice and pretty.

    http://vegetarianwhohatestofu.blogspot.com/2011/07/vegan-ranch-dressing.html

    • Izzy says:

      Thanks so much for the feedback and the recipe. I’m glad it made you laugh. I’m not typically funny, but aparently anger and frustration are my muse. My husband was so amused by this post that he says I should take out all my work and recipe stress on my blog. Usually I just internalize it. That was my inner rebel venting.

  5. Oh man . . . sorry about the ranch dressing disaster. We’ve all had those. Mine was a red velvet cake that had the consistency of a brick. Anyhow . . . I have a vegan ranch recipe that I’ve been using for years. I love it. I don’t know how low-fat it is, but I use reduced fat Vegenaise with it. Or you can use 1/2 Vegenaise, 1/2 Tofutti sour cream. For me, tofu just doesn’t cut it when it comes to this dressing. http://epicureanvegan.com/2010/01/27/vegan-ranch-dressing/ Good luck!

    • Izzy says:

      Thanks lady! I’m not quite sure what I’m going to try next, I am very sensitive to fat so this is a difficult one. My brain cells need to regroup then I will figure out what the next game plan is!

  6. Ellen says:

    I made one from Chocolate Covered Katie’s blog that I liked-but maybe that’s the one you tried. I normally hate tofu too. My review: http://www.scrumptiousgruel.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/tofu-a-slight-change-of-heart/
    Hope that helps!

  7. cadryskitchen says:

    This isn’t exactly low-fat per say, but if you don’t have a problem with cashews it might do the trick. Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s Sanctuary dip is a tasty ranch dressing. It has a bit of tofu in it, but I didn’t taste it at all. (Although, I like tofu. Can I be trusted?) Anyway, I like your sense of humor about the whole thing! http://www.theppk.com/2011/05/sanctuary-dip/

  8. Kristina says:

    I just posted a recipe on my blog for vegan ranch dressing, although it’s not super low fat b/c it has some vegenaise in it.

    http://krisaki.wordpress.com/2011/08/18/easy-vegan-ranch-dressing/

    My non-vegan husband even loves it!

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