Disastrous. Catastrophic. Deplorable. Lamentable.
All of these words can be used to describe the noxious and unfortunate excuse for the tragic attempt at a vegan ranch dressing.
Ok, perhaps it’s not THAT dramatic. But it was bad. Here, look at a pretty picture and be as deceived as I was. Please someone rescue it!
Le me start by telling you that this is silken tofu blended with plain soy milk, some herbs, spices, lemon and red wine vinegar and a pinch or so of sugar. No added fats. Sounded perfect.
So without further ado, why this dressing went down the drain.
1. Even with the garlic, onion, chives, lemon, parsley and myriad of other perfectly lovely herbs and spices, ALL I COULD TASTE WAS TOFU. Screw you, tofu.
2. So then, some moron (read: me) decided that perhaps tofu could be disguised by additional spices. So I added more garlic. Enough so that one taste of it was enough to give me indigestion (to be fair, I have what could effectively be referred to as a wussy stomach – the kind that your sweet little old grand mother would laugh in the face of – from her wheelchair).
3. THEN, I decided that maybe if it just sat a while in my fridge it would be better. So I took it out and took a few pics of it and tasted it. If my purpose was to make tofu flavored garlic dill dressing, I SUCCEEDED.
4. So last but not least, I figured at least I would try it on some salad to give it one last chance. Perhaps I was just being too judgmental. So I tossed it into some salad (at this point my husband will be snickering like a 15 year old boy, yes I TOSSED THE SALAD), and took a bite.
Let me be clear on this, I have no clue how, on the face of this planet I managed this, but somehow I made the salad SQUEAKY. I made it squeak on my freaking teeth. Like I’d made a bowl of chalkboards and was now gnawing on them with my nail teeth.
Down the drain.
Does anyone have a vegan ranch recipe that is low fat and not made by the little angry taste bud demons?
Completely unrelated, I have determined that panda bears are so cute, that they could literally nom a person to death while the individual was still cooing and petting it. I’d even offer the panda a little bit of salt if it would make me taste better. They are sneaky sneaky ninjas.